Experiencing Loss
It was Sunday afternoon – October 27, 2019 to be exact. My friend and I were heading back home from lunch. Once I got settled at my friend’s house, I noticed several missed calls and texts from my mom and sister. I had no idea what was going on, but clearly it was urgent. I immediately called my sister back, and she answered the phone with panic in her voice. She did her best to explain what was going on, but I couldn’t fully understand what she was trying to communicate to me. The one thing I did take away from the conversation was that something was wrong with my grandma. Once my sister and I got off the phone, I quickly called my mom and asked, “Mah, what’s going on?” With sadness in her voice, she replied, “Lee, my mom is gone.” I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard and remember dropping to the floor in tears. After exchanging a few words with my mom and regaining my composure, I rushed to my apartment to pack my luggage and headed home to be with my family.
What normally feels like a quick, easy drive from Charlotte to Augusta, felt like years. It seemed like I couldn’t get home fast enough. Once I finally arrived home and walked through the front door, my mom, while weeping, collapsed in my arms. It was at that very moment I knew I was going to have to put my big girl pants on and be strong for my mom – not only to support her emotionally, but to help her plan funeral arrangements as well. The next few days were filled with restless nights and mentally, physically, and emotionally taxing. But by the grace of God and the love and support of family and friends, we made it through the week and my grandma’s funeral service turned out beautifully. It was truly a celebration of her life, and I was honored to dance in her remembrance.
The weeks following my grandma’s passing felt surreal. I had a difficult time accepting reality and consequently suppressed my feelings. When thoughts of my grandma and feelings of sadness surfaced, I failed to create space for myself to fully acknowledge and process those feelings. I went through this cycle for weeks; but once Thanksgiving came around, I felt as if I could no longer avoid my feelings. Grief confronted me head on and reality finally set in. My grandma was no longer here, and would not be spending the holiday with me and my family. It was at this point that I made a conscious decision to begin fully embracing my feelings and finding ways to honor and remember my grandma.
Every Thanksgiving my grandma baked sweet potato pies for my family so in continuation of her tradition, I baked sweet potato pies for my family this past Thanksgiving. The one challenge I faced, however, was that my grandma left recipes for all of her dishes and baked goods, except for these pies. Fortunately, my mom recalled all of the ingredients; so I just had to wing the actual measurements and taste test as I went along. Surprisingly, the pies turned out really good for my first try, and they’ve gotten even better each time I’ve made them!
My Grandma Alberta was such an inspirational woman, who taught me many valuable life lessons. Some of the greatest lessons I learned from her through our conversations and the way she lived her life were:
Independence – My grandma was a very independent woman and made things happen; but she also knew how to ask for help, when needed.
Strong work-ethic – My grandma was a hard worker and possessed a work-ethic out of this world.
Stewardship – My grandma managed her money wisely and took the utmost care of her possessions.
Privacy – My grandma did not tell all of her business and when people would ask her questions that she felt were too personal, she would often respond by saying, “I’ll pass.”
Forgiveness – My grandma sought to be at peace with herself and others. She didn’t hold on to grudges. She quickly let things go and forgave others.
Contentment – My grandma lived a very simple life and one that she was content with.
I’m so grateful for the lessons that she taught me and the role she played in shaping me into the woman I am today. I’m also appreciative of the relationship I had with grandma and the 28 years I was blessed to share her, especially the time I was able to spend with her last year. As I mentioned in my prior post, moving to Charlotte has allowed me to see my family more frequently. Given that, I was able to see and spend quality time with my grandma from June until her passing in October. She even came to Charlotte to visit me in August. I didn’t know it at the time, but those final moments with her were truly a gift.
It’s been four months now since her passing. Although things have gotten better over time, I still deal with grief. For me, it comes in waves; and I’ve learned how to embrace it as it comes. When I begin to sense feelings of grief, I create space for myself to fully lean into and process those feelings. If I’m at work, this means stepping away from my desk to a private room or the church next door to cry and whisper a prayer. Other times, it means reflecting on the times I shared with my grandma, looking through pictures and videos of her, or processing my feelings out loud with my mom or a close friend. I especially draw strength from my faith and relationship with God. When I experience an overwhelming sense of sadness, I turn to God for comfort through prayer, worship, and His word. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” and I’ve found this to be true for me personally.
As I sit and reflect on this particular experience as well as past life experiences, I’m amazed by the strength that I’ve gained and growth I’ve experienced as a result of the difficult situations that I’ve faced. My experience losing my grandma has shifted my perspective on life and shaped me in new ways. I’ve developed a greater sense of empathy for those who have experienced loss. I’ve gained insight on the type of support that may be most helpful for someone and their family during their time of loss. I’ve learned that grief isn’t short-lived and the importance of processing grief at one’s own pace and in a way that is most suitable for the individual. I’ve also learned the importance of checking in with people periodically the weeks and months following the loss of their loved one, especially around the holidays. I’m learning not to sweat the small things and not to harbor resentment and unforgiveness in my heart. I’ve learned that life isn’t to be taken for granted and to live each day with a posture of gratitude, treating each day – down to each breath – as the gift that it is. Lastly, I’ve shifted my focus, time, and energy towards actively pursuing God’s purpose for my life and towards the things and relationships that are important to me.
Perhaps you’ve experienced the loss of a close loved one or friend and reading this blog post has stirred up some emotions for you. If so, I encourage you to pause, acknowledge those feelings, and take the appropriate next steps. I pray you also find comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. Many of us have experienced loss in some way and there are also people you can turn to for support as you process feelings of grief. Don’t be afraid to seek and ask for the help that you need, even professional help such as counseling or therapy. Most importantly, know that you can lean on God for the strength, comfort, and support that you need.
And whether you’ve personally experienced loss or not, death is inevitable for each and every one of us. While we don’t have control over that, we have power over the decisions we make on a daily basis – which ultimately dictate the type of life we live and the legacy we will leave behind. With that in mind, I’d encourage you to spend a few moments today or this week reflecting on your life to date and your present relationships. Ask yourself…What type of legacy do I want to leave behind? Am I content with the life I’m living? How am I spending my time? Am I investing quality time in my relationships? Am I taking practical steps towards my dreams and goals? Am I walking in my calling and God’s purpose for my life? Am I sharing my voice, gifts, talents, and skills with the world? Am I taking care of myself – mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally? Am I making wise decisions? Are there feelings of anger, resentment, or disappointment harboring in my heart? Is there someone I need to forgive? Is there a relationship I need to mend? Do I need to apologize to someone? Do I need to take responsibility for a particular action? Am I at peace with myself and others? How is my relationship with God?
Whatever the case may be, I encourage you to take the appropriate next steps and let the people in your life know how much you love them and how much they mean to you. Lastly, I encourage you to cherish and treat each day as a gift and live your life fully and intentionally.
With love,
Imanne