Lessons Learned During the Wait
Are you single? Have you grown impatient during this season? Maybe discontent? Have you experienced the disappointment of being led on only to realize that the other person wasn’t on the same page? Perhaps you’ve been single for a while and have begun to wonder, “Is there something wrong with me? Are my standards too high?” Maybe you’ve just become tired of the games or are struggling to understand why the other person won’t commit. If you’ve experienced any of these feelings, know that you’re not alone.
Over the past year and a half, I experienced a few disappointments with guys with whom I shared mutual feelings. While the hope was to pursue a relationship, this didn’t occur with either of them for various reasons. With the first guy, things were off to a great start. However, about three months into the “talking” phase I started to notice a few red flags. They weren’t major red flags, but they were significant enough to cause me to proceed with caution and to call attention to them. After bringing these occurrences to the guy’s attention, he took responsibility for his actions and committed to do better as his desire was to marry me. Long story short, things didn’t change for the better, and I lacked peace about the relationship. Consequently, we stopped “talking” and ceased all communication.
The next guy that came along was someone that I had a crush on for a while, so when he expressed his feelings for me you can only imagine how hype I was 😉 After learning that we shared mutual feelings, we began to hang out more often. Over time, my feelings grew stronger for him — which became my nudge to understand what his intentions were so as not to become head over heels for someone who didn’t share the same desires as me. This guy was very honest with me and expressed that he had no desire to commit — not only did he not want to commit to me, he lacked a desire to be in a relationship period for the foreseeable future. Well, I knew this wasn’t going to work out, because I desire to be married one day and have committed to dating with the intent to marry.
Despite having a clear sense of his intentions, I played the fool thinking he would change his mind or I could just turn off my feelings and keep hanging out with him as a friend. Well that didn’t happen. We continued to hang out, and I found myself in numerous, tempting situations to compromise physically. While we didn’t have any form of sex, we made out often. I knew if I wanted to maintain my standard of celibacy before marriage, I had to draw the line in the sand and set boundaries, especially if we were to maintain friendly relations. Shortly after, we had a conversation in which I set the necessary boundaries; and he has since been respectful in honoring them.
The final and most recent experience was with a good friend who expressed his feelings for me. This guy was someone I also had feelings for and always thought in the back of my head, “I could see myself marrying him.” After having the conversation, we decided that we would pray about things to see if pursuing a romantic relationship was God’s will for us (also being cautious so as not to ruin our friendship). Two months went by and this person behaved as if this conversation never happened and appeared to have no intention of initiating a conversation to discuss where we would go from here. Long story short, I refused to remain in a state of confusion and initiated the conversation. During the conversation, he informed me that those were the feelings he had at the time and that he wanted to remain friends. I’ll spare all of the hurtful details, but bottom line there was another person. Talk about a blow. Not only had my hopes of being in a relationship with this person been shattered, someone I’d considered a friend hurt me.
So as you can see, I’ve been on one heck of an emotional roller coaster over the past year and a half. A ride filled with discontentment, confusion, frustration, anger, and resentment. Each experience left me feeling disappointed in one way or another. But as I reflect on them, I can see God’s hands of protection. I can also see His unconditional love for me as He didn’t allow any relationship to progress and/or gave me the strength to walk away, so that I wouldn’t experience anything less this His best for my life. I also learned some valuable lessons from these experiences.
Below are the lessons that I learned and want to share with you to help you during your season of “the wait.”
Seek God’s will for the relationship.
Take it slow, time and the Holy Spirit will tell. Prayer and discernment are critical.
Don’t ignore red flags, your intuition, or those gut feelings.
Guard your heart and don’t be led on by looks or deceived by words. If the individual’s actions aren’t lining up with his/her speech, that’s a character flaw and a sign that their intentions are insincere.
Don’t be afraid to communicate your intentions, expectations, and standards and seek to understand the other person’s intentions upfront. Make sure you’re on the same page and pursuing the same relationship goals.
Know your worth and don’t settle or compromise on your standards.
Don’t be afraid to call the shots and walk away from the relationship, if you lack peace or it seems forced.
Don’t become bitter and resentful. Practice forgiveness when someone hurts you.
For those who desire a godly relationship, don’t automatically assume another person is “the one” simply because he or she is a Christian. While being equally yoked with someone spiritually is vitally important (2 Corinthians 6:14), it’s also imperative to take the time to see if you’re compatible and on the same page in regard to other important aspects of life (i.e. finances, children, where to live, life goals, etc.)
Don’t give up on love and allow God, who is Love, to write your love story.
Be encouraged,
Imanne
Additionally, below are a few resources that have recently encouraged me and helped me to shift my focus and perspective. I hope you find them beneficially as well (click the links)!
“Dating in the Modern Age” by Ben Stuart
“Relationship Goals” Series by Mike Todd (The link is for Part I, but don’t stop there. Watch the entire series!)
“The Wait” by Devon Franklin and Meagan Good
“Dear Single Woman” by me 😊 (God reminded me of this post that I wrote back in 2016. Reading it was so encouraging for me. My desire is to get back to this place of contentment and my prayer is that you’ll experience the same!)