Self-Love: How I’ve Grown to Love the Woman That I Am
Self-love in my opinion is a journey; and for me, it’s been one defined by healing, self-discovery, growth, and acceptance. One day recently while looking in the mirror, I confidently said out loud and with a smile on my face, “I love you.” This may seem strange to some, but that moment was pivotal for me. A moment where I realized that I wasn’t just saying it to make myself feel good, but because I truly believed it. I believed that the woman staring back at me was beautiful, fully accepted, and fully loved. That day was a special marker along my self-love journey, because it symbolized the healing and growth that have taken place in my life as well as the love and acceptance I’ve grown to have for the woman I am today and the woman I am becoming. My self-love journey continues to unfold and evolve, but some of the most important steps I’ve taken so far include overcoming and uprooting negative core beliefs about myself. Beliefs that took root through various life experiences. However, there were two primary instances that occurred during my childhood that had the greatest impact.
The first was bullying. Growing up, I was the victim of colorism. If you’re not familiar with this term, colorism is a “prejudice against individuals with a dark skin tone, typically among people of the same ethnic or racial group.” Imagine that…prejudice from your very own people. It’s real though. I was teased by girls with a lighter skin tone than me and experienced various forms of rejection because of my complexion. Oh and you wouldn’t believe how often I received the so called compliment, “You’re pretty for a dark-skinned girl.” What this essentially meant was those people didn’t associate beauty with those who had darker skin and that I somehow happened to be an exception to this “rule.” Experiencing these types of situations once is hurtful enough, but imagine having to endure these experiences from elementary school through high school. Overtime, these events ultimately caused me to adopt negative beliefs such as “I’m not beautiful” and “I’m not pretty enough.”
The second life event that played a significant role in shaping some of my negative core beliefs was my dad abandoning our relationship when I was ten years old. It wasn’t until recently that I learned why this occurred. However, this information doesn’t erase the feelings of rejection that I experienced at that particular time in my life or the years to follow. The void created by my father’s absence impacted me significantly and caused me to adopt negative beliefs such as “I don’t belong,” “I don’t matter,” and “I’m not enough.” This experience also caused me to begin living my life through the lens of rejection – which translated into becoming a people pleaser, changing things about myself or compromising my standards to gain others’ approval, seeking love and validation from external sources, interpreting people’s behaviors as rejection, believing I didn’t belong in settings where I was the minority, and the list goes on.
These two life experiences created a lot of mental and emotional wounds. Ones that ultimately required attention and healing, especially if I was ever going to fully love and accept myself regardless of how others perceived or behaved towards me. As a result, I sought out therapy to aid in my healing process and personal development; and it turned out to be one of the best investments I’ve made in myself. While this part of my self-love journey was messy and required a lot of introspection and work, it was necessary and I am grateful for it. Another blessing that came out of therapy was the restoration of my dad and I’s relationship 🙂
Another part of my self-love journey that was important was self-discovery. This phase involved learning and discovering things that I enjoy and incorporating them into my regular routine of life. Things like traveling, working out, trying new recipes and restaurants, spending quality time with my community, buying fresh flowers, burning candles, basking in the sun, hanging out at coffee shops, etc. Another thing that I learned about myself during my self-discovery phase was my passion for Human Resources – which resulted in me taking a leap of faith and changing careers. Here we are over two years later, and I can say that I’m so happy that I took that leap!
Today, the ways I regularly practice self-love include the following:
Accepting my shortcomings and practicing self-development
Embracing the things that make me unique. This includes my complexion, which has become one of my favorite features 🙂
Setting and honoring my personal boundaries and putting myself first, when necessary
Practicing self-forgiveness and self-compassion
Speaking daily, positive affirmations, which I have posted on my bathroom mirror
Refusing to settle or compromise on my standards
Living a lifestyle that is aligned with my values and beliefs
Prioritizing my mental, physical, and spiritual health
Not comparing myself or my personal journey to others
Caring for my physical body and practicing self-care (i.e. working out 3x per week, eating healthy, going to the doctor and dentist regularly, pampering myself, journaling, etc.)
My journey of self-love has truly been eye opening and amazing. The self-love I’ve grown to have has translated into outward confidence and become a powerful tool in my life. It has empowered me to make decisions that are beneficial to my well-being and aligned with my personal values. It has taught me to take authority over negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones and biblical truths. It has helped me break unhealthy cycles of seeking love, acceptance, and validation from external sources or looking to others to fill voids that only God can fill. Lastly, I’ve learned that self-love is a key ingredient to healthy, balanced, and mutually-beneficial relationships; and the way I love others, teach others to treat me, or show up in relationships is a reflection of the love I have for myself.
Self-love is something we all have to define for ourselves, but I hope that my journey inspires you to reflect on what it means to you and to begin practicing it on a regular basis.
With love,
Imanne