Two Years of Marriage in the Books!
Hey, friends! A couple of weeks ago, Chris and I celebrated our two year wedding anniversary! Given the occasion, I decided to take a stroll down memory lane and share some of our story with you, including what marriage has taught me over the past two years.
How Our Story Began
In June 2019, I relocated to Charlotte to join Bank of America’s Human Resources Development Program. A couple of months later, I met Chris at a kickback hosted by one of my peers in the program, who also happened to be a mutual acquaintance of ours. I recognized Chris from the office, because my locker was near his desk; but we’d never interacted previously. During the kickback, Chris came over to introduce himself to me, and we chatted briefly before I left. Following that interaction, we began speaking to each other in the office.
It wasn’t long before we found ourselves crossing paths again at another social gathering a few weeks later. We interacted more at this gathering and even exchanged some banter – which we still laugh about today! As we were departing that evening, we learned that we went to the same church. So of course we ended up seeing each other again that Sunday and exchanged numbers afterwards.
Two weeks later, we met at this event called Festival in the Park, where we spent nearly two hours getting to know each other better. A few days later, Chris invited me to hang out again the following weekend; but when he asked to hang out this time, he offered to pick me up and drive. This felt different, and I immediately started to have an internal monologue, “Ummm, what should I say? I’m not sure I feel comfortable with him picking me up. I just met him. Also, is this a date?” Ladies, y’all know how we do!
I guess I was onto something because towards the end of our outing, Chris shared how he felt about me and made his desires and intentions very clear. Although I initially sensed something, I was immediately taken aback. I was most surprised by the fact that he was expressing such real feelings after only four interactions with me – two of which were in group settings. Although a little nerve-racking, it was beyond refreshing to experience a man be so open and direct about his intentions towards me.
I wasn’t dating anyone at the time; but I also didn’t want to rush into anything, especially since we both shared the same value of dating with the intent to marry. So I told Chris that I was open to potentially dating, but I wanted us to first spend more time getting to know each other and building a friendship before committing to anything more official. We both agreed and spent what turned out to be the next six months building a beautiful friendship before a romantic relationship evolved ❤️
Intentional Dating & Engagement
Chris and I entered a committed relationship in March 2020 literally days before the pandemic shutdown. Although it was a bit of a bummer to no longer have access to the things we enjoyed together the months prior, the pandemic created an opportunity for us to spend a lot of quality time together and build a strong intellectual, emotional, and spiritual connection. Since we worked at the same company and on the same floor at the time, it was also nice to be able to date privately.
Chris and I had a lot of fun together while dating! Even now, I recall the joy and excitement I felt leading into each moment I spent with him. The anticipation of sharing experiences together, continuing to learn new things about each other, and building deeper connections was a sign that I was really feeling him. Chris also had a way of making me feel like the most beautiful and special woman in the world. He treated me with the utmost respect, wrote me the most beautiful letters and songs, surprised me with fun dates and thoughtful gifts, and never shied away from expressing his affection towards me.
I cherished all of these beautiful elements of our relationship. However, Chris and I didn’t get distracted by all the lovey dovey feels that come with dating. We were very intentional throughout our dating journey, because we were trying to discern if we were each other’s life partner. We’d also learned some important lessons from our prior dating experiences and strived to have a relationship that pleased and honored God. As a result, we moved differently. We had really deep conversations. We established physical boundaries within our relationship. We prayed together and sought Godly wisdom regarding dating and marriage. We were vulnerable and transparent with each other. We also learned each other’s love languages and were intentional about showing love in those ways.
After about a year of dating, our desire to marry each other became clear. Similar to our friendship stage, however, we didn’t rush into anything. We prayed about it and asked God to show us His will for our lives. We also completed premarital counseling before getting engaged.
I know it’s more common for people to go through counseling after engagement. However, we viewed engagement as a step in solidifying our commitment to being married, and we thought it was important to seek counsel before we took that next step. Our relationship had also been very easy and oftentimes felt “too good to be true”, so we wanted to ensure that any of our potential blind spots were covered. Premarital counseling was valuable to us, because it provided an opportunity to discuss key marital topics (i.e., finances, sex, spiritual beliefs, family planning/parenting, family dynamics, communication, etc.) with another party and ensure we were both aligned. It also equipped us with the tools needed to navigate future challenges.
Once we were assured of our next steps, it wasn’t long before Chris proposed to me in September 2021 with our immediate family by our sides. I was so surprised! We had a week-long vacation planned in Savannah, GA during the week of Labor Day, and he arranged for our families to arrive at the start of the trip to be present for the proposal. It was so sweet, intentional, and intimate. All the things I appreciate! I also loved the fact that he proposed at the beginning of our trip which gave us the full week to bask in the moment and celebrate the occasion. It was one of the most romantic and memorable weeks ever!
We basked in that moment a full month before we started wedding planning – which was such an enjoyable, stress-free process for us. It was the first time that we partnered together on something, and this experience gave me even more assurance that we were going to be amazing life partners. Fast forward, we got married on April 15, 2022 outside of Raleigh, NC. We had a small, intimate wedding ceremony, and the day was so dreamy and beautiful 😍 I can’t even begin to describe the gratitude, joy, and peace I felt that day!
Looking Back: Reflections & Highlights
As I reflect over the past two years, I’m grateful for the foundation Chris and I have built for our marriage – which I believe is the result of the seeds planted throughout our dating journey and the wisdom God has given us. This foundation has enabled us to enjoy a marriage rooted in the love of God, and it has sustained us through challenging times as well.
I can also attest to the importance of seeking God for discernment about who to join your life with in covenant. God knew exactly what I needed in a spouse and the type of partner who would be most suitable to journey through life with, because He blessed me with a man who possesses characteristics I didn’t even know to pray for. I’m so thankful that God’s ways and thoughts are infinitely higher than mine. He truly knows what’s best!
Chris and I have shared some amazing moments and created beautiful memories together over the past two years. When I think of some of the highlights of our marriage, they include:
Our wedding day and our honeymoon in Jamaica
Traveling and exploring new places, cultures, and culinary scenes
Partnering and doing life together
Building a level of intimacy far beyond physical intimacy
Learning to trust each other on a deeper level
Witnessing the evolution of ourselves individually and collectively
Attending our first marriage conference
Purchasing our first home together
Building relationships with each other’s family
Building a shared community of friends, including other married couples
I’m also equally grateful for the growing pains and unexpected trials life threw at us during our newlywed phase. It was in those moments that we were refined and experienced Christ’s unconditional love at work through us. These were also the moments our marriage was strengthened and our love grew deeper.
For those who are close to me or simply read about my experiences in my prior blog series (“Battling Burnout”), you know how trying last year was for me. But from that experience, I got to witness a new dimension of Chris’ love for me as a caregiver and an emotional anchor. The way he held me down when I was sick and at my worst was a literal manifestation of the sacrificial, unconditional love of God. My love for him grew a hundredfold because of this experience and continues to grow with time.
What Marriage Has Taught Me
Marriage has been the most beautiful, transformative experience of my life. It’s also been very humbling. Marriage has been like a mirror, reflecting parts of me that need grace. For example, when I was single, I never really thought of myself as impatient, controlling, or selfish; but these characteristics became magnified once I got married.
I consider myself pretty self-aware, so some of these things were surprising to me. You may also be wondering how these things became magnified after marriage, so let me give you an example. Chris and I move at completely different paces in life – whether it’s getting ready, driving, getting things done around the house, or walking around shopping and exploring. As someone who moves at a faster pace than Chris, I would often find myself internally frustrated by his slower pace. At the root of my frustration was impatience, but God had to reveal that to me.
Oftentimes we default to pointing our finger at the other person or thinking the other person needs to change, but what God has taught me to do in situations like this is to look inward and process my frustrations with Him. In the process of doing so, I often learn that it’s me that needs God’s grace and to put in the work. This has been so helpful to our marriage, because when I go to God first instead of reacting out of my feelings, I create one less opportunity for discord in our marriage. This is one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned, and one of the best practices I often share with other married couples.
I’m still on my journey of learning, growing, and becoming a better wife, but below are some other best practices that have served Chris and I well throughout our marriage:
Pursue God individually as well as collectively and keep Him at the center of your relationship. Incorporate prayer in your relationship by praying with your spouse and for your spouse.
Walk in unity and remember that you are on the same team. Set goals together and establish clear boundaries and priorities for your marriage.
Communicate and communicate often. Listen attentively. Be honest, vulnerable, and transparent. Don’t assume, clarify. Your spouse may know you well, but they can’t read your mind. Communicate your desires and expectations.
Don’t let things fester. Address the matter head on, but don’t attack your spouse. When communicating, be mindful of your tone and always be respectful.
Be affectionate and express gratitude often. Let your spouse know how much they mean to you and show appreciation for who they are and what they do for you/your family.
Encourage, support, affirm, and celebrate your spouse. Also, challenge and hold them accountable.
Be present with your spouse and spend quality time together without distractions.
Be intentional and invest in your marriage. Continue dating and pursuing each other. Be thoughtful and find ways to make your spouse feel seen, special, and desired.
Laugh and have fun together! Also, break up the routine sometimes – create new memories, spice things up, and be spontaneous!
Carve out time for self-care, independent time, solo-trips, and time with friends.
Trust each other’s strengths and walk in humility and submission.
Serve your spouse and love them unconditionally. Honor and respect them.
Always assume the best. Be patient and extend grace. Also, be quick to forgive.
Don't compare your relationship to others’. It’s ok to learn from others, but figure out what works best for you and your spouse.
If you have any additional best practices or advice, I’d love for you to leave them in the comment section! I’ve also listed a few resources below that have helped Chris and I throughout different phases of our relationship.
Resources:
Mrs. Betterhalf – This study can be completed independently, but I recommend doing it in a small group if possible. I completed this study six months into my marriage with four other wives who had been married three years or less. This study is beneficial to all wives — no matter the length of the marriage. However, I believe this study has some helpful insights for women and foundational principles that will catapult your marriage, if you learn and begin applying the lessons early in your marriage.
Relationship Goals – Chris and I read this together while we were dating. This book helped us create a vision for our relationship, establish clear boundaries, and relate to one another in a way that pleased and honored God. If you’re interested in checking out this resource, you can even watch the Relationship Goals Sermon Series on YouTube in lieu of reading the book.
101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged – Chris and I would set time aside throughout our dating journey to explore these questions together. These questions helped to provide deep insight and facilitated some of the most meaningful emotional, intellectual, and spiritual conversations between us.
Until next time,
Imanne