Relationship Check

Have you ever felt taken advantage of because your feelings or actions went unreciprocated in a relationship? Have you been left in state of confusion because one of your relationships suddenly crumbled or didn’t turn out the way you hoped? Have you experienced disappointment because a friend or loved one didn’t show up the way you expected them to? If you answered yes to any of these questions, just as I did, it may be time to sit down and assess the state of your relationships.

In a recent assessment of some of my relationships, God revealed to me that my feelings of disappointment had more to do with me than the other person. Initially, I was puzzled by this revelation. I couldn’t understand how the disappointment I’d experienced in certain relationships may have been caused by me. What God eventually revealed to me, however, is that some of those feelings of disappointment were self-inflicted because of the unrealistic expectations that I’d placed on others and the failure to obey His instructions and properly discern the nature and purpose of certain relationships.

To aid in my relationship assessment and to help me better understand my role in the feelings I’ve been experiencing, God gave me the following questions to answer:

Are you trying to maintain relations with someone who was supposed to be in your life only for a season?

This one hit me like a ton of bricks, but it was true. I realized in that moment, that I’ve been trying to hang on to people who have fulfilled their purpose in my life or were merely supposed to be in my life for a season and vice versa. God specifically reminded me of a relationship that left me feeling confused and taken advantage of. However, had I properly discerned my purpose in the individual’s life (which was to meet a specific need in a particular season of the individual’s life), I wouldn’t have experienced such feelings. Have you found yourself in similar situations? Often times this happens when we fail to properly distinguish between seasonal and lifetime relationships. When we learn to discern the difference, we will become better equipped to handle sudden changes in relational dynamics, and we won’t try to maintain or revive relationships that have reached their expiration date.

Have you wrongfully given someone the title “friend” who is merely an associate?

This question really made me think. After pondering it for a while, I realized that God was asking me to consider if I was desiring people to fulfill expectations that were beyond their capacity. For example, it wouldn’t be fair for a boss to demand an employee to perform work outside the scope of his or her job responsibilities. In the same way, I shouldn’t expect a mere acquaintance to fulfill the responsibilities of a friend. By misassigning roles, we wrongfully assign expectations and set ourselves up to be disappointed. This concept applies to romantic relationships as well. Have you assigned someone the title “future husband” or “boo” and found yourself frustrated or heartbroken when the individual didn’t reciprocate the same feelings or acts of “love?” This is what happens when we desire someone to fulfill a role in our lives that they were never purposed to fill.

Are you expecting people to behave the way you would in relationships/situations?

Guilty! A recent conversation with a friend helped me realize that many of the things which I consider important or bother me often times aren’t the priorities or concern of others. As a result, I can’t expect others to behave or respond to situations the way I would or would want them to.

As I thought about this question, I was reminded of a situation in which my failure to behave a certain way upset a friend of mine. I honestly didn’t understand how something so simple (again, from my perspective) could greatly offend someone. However, after communicating about the situation, I realized that because the situation was important to her and she would have handled it a certain way, she expected me, as her friend, to respond in the same manner.

It’s crazy when the roles are reversed, but the beauty of these types of situations is that they force us to empathize with others and challenge us to seek understanding in the process of seeking to be understood.

Are you trying to make a relationship work that I [God] never ordained?

This was another truth that was hard to swallow. Looking back at some of my relationships, I realize that the frustration, heartache, confusion, and drama I experienced was a result of me moving forward in a relationship that God never told me to pursue. Two things that I’ve come to realize as true are: 1) God is not the author of confusion and 2) He blesses was He has purposed. So if you don’t have peace in a relationship or you find yourself forcing the relationship to work, it may be a sign that God never ordained it. Whether a friendship or romantic relationship, seek God before pursuing the relationship and whatever you do, do not override God’s instruction, your convictions, and any red flags.

Are you expecting people to be what only I can be?

God whispered this gentle reminder, “Le’Asia, only I am perfect. People are imperfect and will disappoint you. Your responsibility, especially as a Christian, is to be patient, loving, gracious, and forgiving towards others when they fall short of your expectations.”

I’m so grateful for God’s loving reminders. This one in particular reminded me that I, myself, am imperfect and in need of grace and forgiveness; and because God has so freely given these wonderful gifts to me, I should freely give them to others as well. Through His words, only I am perfect, I was also reminded that only God is capable of fulfilling my deepest longings, meeting my needs, making me whole, and being my source of joy. Consequently, anytime you or I, expect others to be or do what only God can, we are bound to experience feelings of disappointment.

Though it wasn’t what I initially expected, what I loved most about this relationship check, was that it forced me to look inward and accept responsibility as opposed to finding fault in others. It also challenged me to adjust my expectations in certain relationships and to accept the fact that some relationships were only meant for a season and others were never meant to be. If you decide to assess the state of your relationships, I challenge you to do the same — start with yourself.

Before I end this post, there is one thing I would like to clarify. While there may be cases in which we experience disappointment in relationships because we fail to obey God, we fail to properly discern the purpose of certain relationships, or we place wrong or unrealistic expectations on others, realize that some of the expectations we have of those who profess to love and care for us (both family and friends) aren’t unrealistic. I strongly believe that the healthiest and most fruitful relationships are mutually beneficial. Therefore, I believe some of the most basic things we can expect in our relationships are intentionality, communication, honesty, consistency, and reciprocity. If someone can’t fulfill some of the most basic relational expectations, he or she may not genuinely care about you and probably doesn’t deserve a seat at the table of your life.

So if you find that you’re the only one making an effort to maintain a relationship, you feel the relationship is one-sided and draining, or you don’t feel valued or respected in the relationship, it may be time to make some adjustments by setting healthy relational boundaries (i.e. begin loving from a distance, stop prioritizing those who have made you an option, etc.) or simply walk away from the relationship.

With love,

Imanne